2.00pm in the day- Happy, planning all kind of things for the future, ambitious, effort putting
10.00pm at night- drained, mentally weak, depressed, regretful, unsure, self defeating
These two times of the day are like two completely different people, my past catches up with me at night, I am continually finding it hard to sleep, less sleep these feeling start earlier in the day it's nonstop. I'm trying to leave this behind, I'll never return to the self harming the scars give me enough mental pain already, when I look at them I just feel disgust, I imagine my future sitting in the scorching heat with a hoodie on covering my scars, it's going to be different when I get out of school everyone knows my background here, I'm not ashamed of it because I fought it but it would be nice for people to think I'm normal, I can try this but sooner or later people will see me without a hoodie on, they will see the scars they will form their own opinion of me, they won't even need to know me I will just be that attention seeking kid who cut herself, I know it's a paranoid thought, but that seems to be part of this thing, having to check the windows are locked in my room each night even if I do this for safety it is repetitive and utterly ludicrous because to determine my definite security I would have to check the whole house right? which I sometimes do if I'm home alone and I hear a strange noise, with a golf club in hand of course, I often wonder how I would live alone I feel I would end up going crazy, well crazier.
That was what I wrote in January 2011, today is the sixth of January 2012 here's what happened and how it has changed.
Well may as well get it off my chest, what happened I mean, how I got to be sitting in my bed typing this on my laptop as a 14 year old insomniac(maybe, or just having a bad night).
From looking back things basically messed up around the time of my parents' divorce, not directly their fault but the changes that happened. First thing, now even just thinking about makes me feel sick, it'd like thinking back to a time where you felt your most vulnerable, you know that feeling you get that horrible sickening sense. Well basically my cousin who is like my best friend, unfortunately liked horror films and TV shows especially Supernatural. A certain episode which when I was watching freaked me out to the limit mind you I was a young child, I think the worst bit was I didn't even see the end of it and haven't to this day, I think that left my imagination do the rest. Now this episode included a spirit and a mirror just a brief explanation basically recite something into a mirror you die, I had no sense of fantasy and reality, it really shook me up for some reason I feel sickened to even write down the actual plot, it is planted in my heart a real deep fear of mine even if it is pathetic it haunts me when I think about it. That night I felt weird lying in my bed I can only describe as a type of minor panic attack, I remember lying in the dark and letting all of this fear engulf me I felt sick, I had a lump in my throat I started balling my eyes out, ran downstairs to my mum as you do, she thought I was sick, I wasn't but everything from that night I don't like anymore, everything I encountered or had I still avoid especially hot dogs the red ones I ate them that night, I can't bare them now, honestly it is just because it's all linked to that night. I ate one about a year ago and was psychically sick just because it took me back to that point of fear, I know people will think this sounds ridiculous but it was how I felt.
So as far as I'm concerned along with a range of other things like my parents' divorce, that is what triggered what was to follow in the next three years.
As a ten year old I was uneducated in anxiety,ocd,depression as any normal 10 year old would be.
Weird obsessions were my first random thing that came along, I also had an extreme fear of mirrors mainly at night I couldn't have them in my room, didn't tell anyone why of course, I still can't be fully comfortable with them I swear my family think I have some sort of issue with my appearance, I have a mirror in my mothers I can cope with that but at my dad's it doesn't feel right it absolutely creeps me out!
Anyway health diseases etc, probably triggered by my anxiety of getting bird flu, yep ridiculous I know but if I had a cough or sniffle I was straight on the internet, which really doesn't help it basically encourages hypercondriacts. So hygiene came with a list of silly rules that made sense in my head, some of them are reasonable ( I think) some of them I still do occasionally.
1. Wash hands at least 20 times a day. (Gone)
2. Carry a bottle of hand sanitizer around, just in case( sometimes)
3. No one can sit on my bed or sleep in my bed unless in pj's and clean socks.(kept)
4. Can't use same towels as other people (kept)
5. I can't handle bleach or anything like that I think I'm going to die!(Gone! first thing I tackled)
Relating to that last one I remember a couple of years ago, I was 'playing' over my old friends house Jack, I was a bit of a tom boy I had two older brothers anyway we were messing about with a football, his dad had just put down weed killer on the lawn but it was ok as long as we didn't touch etc. After a while of playing the ball got kicked in my face, no injury luckily, but the mental games began I sat down and all of a sudden a million thoughts ran through my head. You're going to die, that's weed killer you just consumed it. I immediately blew it out of proportion, I felt sick and my mind was playing tricks on me, to make it even worse his mum said I looked pale and I should go home this only made my anxiety 10 times worse. Of course my dad brushed the outrageous claim I was dying off and told me not to be silly, it was only a ball. He was right there was no real danger well not psychically but mentally I started a 24 hour meltdown and a permanent avoidance of weed killer. Immediately I went to Google, find all these horror stories caused by ingesting weed killer I stayed up all night, mainly making sure I didn't die. Soon enough it passed and I was back to just normal worries.
My condition became steadily worse I remember an incident at the end of year 7 I came back from a school trip to llangranog, my Dad was in the garden smashing down a brick wall, I got home said hello then went upstairs and as I got into my room I heard a shout in agony, my dad had fallen and smashed his head on the corner of a brick wall, insisting he was okay, I went inside then a ticking stopwatch started in my head I had about two hours before I was in the highest point of anxiety and little did I know I was helping it by googling, this time it was truly bizarre I read a story about a women who had hit her head in an skiing accident she was fine but then 3 days later she died out of the blue. My sickness and complete panic mode was as high as ever, it was one thing me dying a completely different for my family this was much scarier it was completely unrealistic if I had taken a step back and looked at it from an outsider perspective I would of realised how idiotic I was, but I was 11/12 I didn't have time to do that, I was sitting outside his room listening to his snoring making sure he was okay at night, if he wasn't snoring I would go in and say something like I felt sick just to get him up so I could calm down and reassure myself. I'm not sure why I feel so worried about my dad most probably because he's really accident prone, in France when I was about seven he did something to his neck don't ask me to recall because I can't quite remember, anyway it was something like, he was on a body board in the sea a big wave came in and his head went into the sand and then his body over the top and snap as you can imagine his head being stuck, he was paralyzed and couldn't move about to drown, my brother thank god kept him afloat along with some other tourists eventually. My brother was very skinny not that strong, he held up a huge man, my dad was big, he still is but he was bigger back then, me and my brother ran up the beach the set the alarms off that is pretty much all I remember a part from running after the ambulance through the caravan when a very pained man returned with a lot of morphine floating around in his body.
Anyway drifting of course the next day, I was sleep deprived, anxious, completely in my own world in school ( this was going to become a common problem). In art I found a pencil it was broken at the top, I think I clung on to the following thought because I just wanted to make sure my dad was safe, I said to myself that this pencil was my dad's head if it got damaged it was like a voodoo doll so automatically it would be my fault, to this day this pencil is hidden it still posses me because it is such a strong feeling it's completely unreasonable but it means so much to me it's scary the influence it had on me.
Skip forward to the first self harming point, this happened one day my grandmother and I were arguing, not sure what over but I ran into the back garden tears running down my cheeks, full of anger I just scratched continually on the back of my hand till it was bleeding and weeping, I just kept scratching till it went numb two scratches on each hand, the scars are still there. I remember my dad talking to me about it sitting down on a bench by the river he asked if it was chicken scratches ( a game children play apparently?) I said yes desperate not for him to find out my real motive. In school an LSA asked me about it, I was awful good at hiding them I didn't want people to see but even the experts get caught out, I simply said I had fallen over, she believed it, why wouldn't she I was a perfectly average student, did my work chatted with my mates.
In the beginning of year 9, everything got a lot worse I had been self harming quite a bit I started on my wrists but to obvious, the top of my arms were like a hidden canvas where I have the worst of my scars I could slash up there no one would see. I would cry and cut. I made friends with a girl called Lucy*I bothered with a group of people including Lucy*,one day she just out right told me she liked cutting herself this chilled my bones, she didn't know about me. When I looked at her it was like she took it like a game, I can't judge I don't know what goes on in her head. It got worse from here I'm not sure why maybe hearing her talking about it. That friendship didn't last long all of a sudden bang I'm stuck in-between two new friends constantly switching between the two Lauren and Bec, Lau was a nice girl she has some issues mainly that she don't care about her education, I think she's a nice girl really just a bad attitude towards life, Bec well she is one of the biggest liars I have ever met but for some reason she kept my secrets we had a pretty good friendship, she was in care she has moved away now.
We get to my pretty much best mate to be honest Nadine, I don't honestly know quite what a real friend was till she moved to our school at the beginning of year 9, we didn't get off to the best start we were mates but she got in with the wrong crowd and she got stabbed in the back in the end but towards the end of year nine when everything was tough she actually gave me good advice and if she found out I had self harmed she wouldn't shrug it off or tell me it was my way off dealing with stuff, she ripped the crap out of me and put it straight as do it again I'll tell your parents. This worked in the end along with a psychologist. So what happened before all this ? I was feeling very down very depressed, I was cutting deeply up to 3 times a week, sleeping about 3 hours, doodling in school not caring one bit about my grades, which I have really paid for because I really struggle in some subjects now because I missed out all of the things I needed to know last year. I was regularly getting notes in my planner like attitude, not listening, not doing homework, copy and pasted homework, chewing gum and the list goes on. When I look back I am really ashamed but the past is exactly that.
Anyway as I have figured out I think the date was the 27th March 2011, I felt like absolute crap about 1 am in the morning listening to Eminem - cleaning out my closet I made my decision, I think I scribbled my note which no one ended up reading it was destroyed, I went down stairs and in the pitch black I opened the medicine cupboard and grabbed the first pack of tablets I could find, and a big knife I went into my bathroom upstairs locked the door and broke down, I was 48 hours out of sleep, out of my mind and scared the tablets were unmarked just some scientific name that didn't make sense to me, I took them then got the knife and carved through my left wrist like a piece of meat I was numb, I could feel the warm blood I tried to do my other arm, I couldn't clench my fist to hold the knife my plan was going wrong , I didn't feel at peace or whatever I thought I would, I panicked them decided this really wasn't what I wanted ran downstairs to completely unwelcome environment , I can't exactly blame them , it turned out the tablets I had taken were cramp tablets they had no affect on me unless I had cramp.
A few hours later I was at the doctors where I was told I was going to see a psychologist, my first session consisted of me my mum and my dad, which I found completely uncomfortable as seen as I was talking about why I attempted to kill myself so I didn't have much hope but slowly I found myself feeling better with each session I was going through these things with her that I couldn't tell anyone else, I honestly don't know where I would be without those sessions, according to her it was mix of OCD behaviours, anxiety issues and depression. It is now 9 months on I have had two kind of relapses not bad just silly ones I expected it . Although I've been 6 months without one (touch wood).
I set my targets in the summer for the future, I'm happier as a person now. I read Bear Grylls Mud, Sweat and Tears on holiday this year which was really amazing, he has become a real inspiration to me and it's kind of thanks to him that I found my favourite place in the world. My Family, Friends along with my faith are what matter to me but his book made me get out there into the World. I live in the beautiful country side, so I walked up my local mountain everyday with my dog over the summer holidays, I still do now as often as I can, up there I feel a 1000 miles away from everyday life I can think clearly it is an amazing feeling when I get up there especially at sunset, it is the most amazing thing in the world to me when I'm up there it is a feeling like no other, I have discovered that this feeling leaves you craving more, I do a bit of climbing and walking with my cousin who is leaving for the Army soon, I have a plan that hopefully when I'm 18 I can climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, that is my biggest goal from now, I want to see the sun rise from the highest point in Africa it would be stunning. Bear Grylls really inspires me with his faith, he is an amazing role model more sincere than some fake celeb.
Lately everything has been easier I am working as best I can in school and I think it shows in my work, still struggling with maths but I'll get there, I also had been doing work on a Saturday in a charity shop as a volunteer as well as my next door neighbours, who are like second grandparents to me they are part of a project in India a Christian community has built a home for homeless elderly, it has recently been knocked down by the government a day before it opened ten years of hard work gone, now to be rebuilt elsewhere and I am interested in joining that when I'm 17 or 18. I have life plans I'm only 14 at the moment so who knows what's ahead but the bad bit looks like I'm going to need money, I'll find a way I'm not going to give up on my dreams when I've worked so hard to get here. For once I feel normal again, no more worries I'm so happy, in a strange way I have a better perspective of life, I can take it seriously, I can stay home whilst my mates go and get drunk or whatever, I've got my entire life and I can't wait to get started!
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Matthew 28:20 'Be sure of this, that I am with you always, even unto the ends of the earth'.
* = not real name.
